May All Your Dreams Come True
by Anne T.M
Summary: As her relationship with Chakotay grows closer, Captain Janeway is plagued by guilt over the fiance she left behind on earth. What happenes when the two men come face to face? Is it real or is she dreaming again? The story takes place over five days an
1. The Big Surprise

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MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE

BY: Anne T.M.

e-mail: atry804@aol.com

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my words which come from my heart which is more than I can say for TPTB.

Background information: The story is set a few weeks after Scorpion II. Once the Captain was back to health, Neelix decided to throw a party to boost the morale of the crew. After their close encounter with the Borg he felt they all needed it. Meanwhile, the growing closeness between Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay is both a source of joy and pain for her. Though it happened long ago, she continues to be plagued by guilt, as the accusations flung at her by Mark during Persistence of Vision become more of a reality each day.

Day One: The Big Surprise

The party was winding down. Usually she would have left a long time ago but she knew the mood of the crew. In the past year, amongst their usual alien encounters, the crew had seen her die and be assimilated by the Borg. They needed her to be here tonight to laugh with them. It used to be difficult for her to mingle with her crew. No matter what ship she was on, she always knew everyone's name, but this was the first time she knew the people along with their names. She had grown comfortable with them and in doing so broke every rule she had ever learned regarding a captain's place among her crew. For some reason that made her smile.

A voice whispered in her ear. "Isn't it way past your bedtime?"

Her smile widened. "Don't worry Commander. I will not turn into a pumpkin at midnight."

He walked in front of her and sat on the bar stool to her left. As he did, he leaned in closer so only she would hear his reply. "And I am not Prince Charming."

The Captain's eyes twinkled as a devilish grin appeared on her face. "Says who?"

He returned her flirty smile with one of his own.

"Well, you two look happy."

Chakotay raised a glass to Neelix. "We are Neelix. This was a magnificent idea."

The Captain placed her hand warmly on Neelix's shoulder. "Yes, it was. The crew seems to be having a wonderful time."

"That is because their Captain is doing the same." Captain Janeway blushed. "You know how they feel about you."

She took a deep breath. Even though she had made an effort to become closer to this crew, it was still difficult to discuss her feelings publicly. Chakotay placed his hand around the back of her chair, and as he did, it brushed her shoulder. She cast a sideways glance in his direction. It never ceased to amaze her that he knew her needs so well. A simple touch by him and her strength was renewed. "I know Neelix, and I feel the same about them."

Neelix took her hand inbetween both of his and gently patted it. "Then maybe next time we can just run away!" He laughed as he finished his sentence.

She knew he didn't mean it. It was his way of asking her to be more careful. "Maybe next time I might just do that!" She laughed right along with him.

"Oh look! The limbo contest is starting." The theme for the evening had been a beach party. "Care to join in, Captain?"

The Captain raised her hand in protest. "No! Neelix I think I have had enough for one evening. I believe I will call it a night." She stood up from her stool and straightened out her outfit. "Thank you, Neelix."

He smiled warmly at her as he held both of her hands in his. "You're welcome, Captain." He let go of her hands and extended his hand to Chakotay who was still sitting. The Commander stood up and took the Talaxian's hand and shook it firmly. "Goodnight Commander."

Chakotay was trying to figure out a graceful way to exit with the Captain without her protesting. Neelix had just solved his problem. "Good night Neelix." As they walked to the door Chakotay leaned over. "I would have paid a week's worth of rations to watch you in the limbo contest." The last thing the crew saw as the Command Team exited was their Captain slapping their Commander on the arm. It made them all smile.

As they walked to the turbo lift Chakotay remained a few steps behind. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help himself. The view was spectacular. Kathryn was wearing a flowing piece of fabric that was wrapped tightly around her lower body and was tied at the waist. It was tight enough to accentuate all the right places. Along with it she wore what looked like the sleeveless tops they wore under their Starfleet issued turtlenecks, but this one was white, pure white. Add that to her hair that was loosely laying on her shoulder and he was mesmerized.

"Commander, don't think for a second that I don't know what you are doing! It's bad enough that you do it on the bridge when I am standing by Tom."

"But you look so good in red!"

"My uniform pants are black." They entered the turbo lift and she immediately placed her back against the wall.

Chakotay did not let that deter him. He stood next to her and did the same. He could feel the heat of her bare skin as her arm touched his. "I was imagining what was underneath."

She looked at him with her eyes open wide in feigned shock. "You are incorrigible!"

He swayed his body a little to the right making their bodily contact more complete. "Tell me, what Starfleet Regulation prohibits the first officer from looking at the Captain?"

They had reached their destination and she exited quickly in an attempt to avoid his question. Together they walked to her door. When they got there she realized that she did not want the evening to end. "Would you like to come in for coffee?"

"Make it tea and you've got a deal." He extended his arm in a chivalrous gesture. Kathryn slipped her arm through his and unlocked her door. They were both laughing as they entered. She ordered the lights to 75%. As the room went from dark to light she saw a figure standing by her couch. Before either one of them had time to react, he spoke.

"Kath?"

"Mark?"

In two steps they had covered the distance between them and were wrapped in each others' arms.

Mark pulled away and took his lover's face in his hands. "Kath, is it really you?" As she shook her head yes he began to kiss the tears that were streaming down her face.

On the far side of the room a forgotten figure hit his comm badge. "Security, intruder alert in the Captain's quarters!"

The sound of his voice broke through the haze that had enveloped Kathryn's mind. She moved out of Mark's embrace and stepped back. She looked back and forth from man to man. She was frozen in her place. Before she could speak, a security detail headed by Tuvok burst through her door with phasers drawn.

"Step away from the Captain." Tuvok approached the intruder cautiously.

"Kath, this is ridiculous." He moved toward her and Tuvok repeated his command.

"Step away from the Captain or I will be forced to shoot."

He turned to the other men in bewilderment. "I would never hurt her!"

Captain Janeway interceded. "Lt. Tuvok, this is Mark, my fiancé." The Captain attempted to go to Mark's side but was stopped by Mr. Ayala.

"So it would appear, but may I remind you Captain, things are not always as they appear."

"Tuvok, just look at him. You've met him. You know it is him."

Everyone in the room was on personal red alert. Ayala and Chakotay looked ready to pounce on the intruder, while Tuvok questioned the Captain.

"Captain, when was the last time you saw your fiancé?" Tuvok dispassionately asked his Captain while he kept the phaser pointed directly at the man. 

Captain Janeway threw her hands up in the air and began to pace in front of the view port in her living area. "You know the answer to that question. It was three and one half years ago."

"And where was that?"

"In our home."

Mark was getting angry. He did not understand this any more than they did but he knew Kath was getting upset. "Who is he to badger you? You are the Captain!"

Chakotay flinched as he longed to grab the intruder by the throat. Tuvok stopped him with a single look.

"Where?"

"On earth! Tuvok, this is insane. Why are you questioning me?" By now she had stopped pacing and turned to face him with her hands on her hips. She was fed up! She was the Captain and this man was her fiancé.

"What quadrant is earth in, Captain?"

"In the Alpha Quadrant." She was now walking point blank toward the phaser.

"And where are we Captain?"

His final question sobered her. Her anger toward him evaporated. "In the Delta Quadrant."

Commander Chakotay remained rigid at the door. He was having a difficult time separating his duty as a first officer from his jealousy as a man. "Captain, I suggest that we bring this man to sick bay and have the Doctor examine him. Maybe that will provide us with some answers."

Her heart and head were pounding. "You are right Commander. We will go to sick bay."

Tuvok intervened once again. "**I** will take him to sick bay. The Doctor will contact you with his findings."

"Kath, what's going on?" Mark called to her as Tuvok ushered him from the room. They headed to sick bay leaving Ayala to guard her door.

Inside, Kathryn Janeway fell to her couch in stunned silence. What the hell had just happened. She was having a perfectly wonderful time with Chakotay and then Mark appeared. In that single instant, the joy she felt at seeing him overcame her. She did not stop to question it. But now her mind was in turmoil. What had she done? What must Chakotay think, the way I threw myself into Mark's arms like Chakotay meant nothing? And what must Mark think seeing his fiancé on the arm of another man laughing as they entered her dark quarters? Oh god what was she going to do?

Chakotay was still standing by the door. "Captain I…"

She jumped up. She had forgotten he was there. She backed away to a far part of the room. As only she could, she held her right hand up to stop all activity around her. "Not now Commander."

He walked toward her wanting desperately to plead his case. "Kathryn, he can't…"

"**Not now Commander**!"

He stopped dead in his tracks. He spun on his heels and left. He rushed down the corridor trying to erase the image of another man kissing his Kathryn. Dammit she wasn't his. He had no right. Like hell he didn't! He continued his unconscious journey until he arrived at sickbay. He entered and stood just inside the door. Tuvok did not acknowledge him but Chakotay knew even the Vulcan would understand his need to be here. As the doctor examined the intruder Chakotay continued to give the man a cold hard stare. 

Kathryn was lying back on her chair trying to make some sense of the last few minutes. She tried to sort things out using a scientific approach. Okay I'll start with Mark. He appeared in my quarters out of nowhere. His home is 60 thousand light years away. So that is impossible. Yet he looked like Mark, he felt like Mark and he kissed like Mark. She raised her hand to her lips. It was not possible, but it felt so real. Then she thought about Chakotay and she immediately felt guilty. Guilty that she had kissed Mark in front of him. Guilty that she had done it at all. She stood up and started for the door. This was stupid. Mark was her fiancé and Chakotay had no hold on her. She stopped when she thought about his eyes. Like hell he didn't. The hurt in his eyes as she looked between the two men spoke volumes. But what about Mark? He arrived to find her cavorting with another man? She turned back into her quarters and sat back down. She closed her eyes and laid her head back on the cushion. I know. It is all a dream. Soon I will wake up and it will all be over.

"Afraid not Kathy!"

Her head shot up at the sound of another voice. "Q! I should have figured."

"Am I that transparent mon capitan?"

She smiled. She actually felt better. Now at least there was a rational explanation. "What's your game this time Q?"

"Game? Game!," he shouted indignantly. "This is no game. This is a favor for you, born out of the goodness of my heart." He had crossed the room and sat down next to her. Now she found his head on her shoulder. She jumped up and dislodged him from his resting place.

"If it's not a game what is it? I come home to find a man who resembles my fiancé in my quarters."

He remained reclined on her couch as she stared at him. "Save the death glare for someone else. It has no effect on me. I only find you more alluring when you're mad!" His elbow was propped up with his head leaning on his hand and a love sick smile on his lips. 

Kathryn sat down in a huff in the chair opposite him.

Q rolled onto his back. "Oh and he does not look like your fiancé. He is your fiancé."

She jumped up. "What do you mean he is my fiancé?"

"Kathy really! Being surrounded by these other dullards has hurt you immeasurably. I meant what I said. He is your fiancé."

"How Q?"

He sprung up to a sitting position. His hands clasped in barely contained excitement. "Simple really. I just snapped my fingers and he was here."

"Q!" She spoke in that voice that only she has. The one that can make even Q do what she wanted.

"Okay, okay. I did this for you my sweet." He knelt in front of her and took her hand into his. "You have been so lonely. I thought you would enjoy some male companionship. After all, who could stand spending all their free time with Chuckles?"

"I have been lonely for a long time. Why now?" She snatched her hand away from his. "And Q I want the truth!"

"Fine. Since your encounter with the Bothan you have been terribly burdened. Despite the fact that it has been over a year, the things he said to you still haunt your mind."

"How would you know what he said?"

He gave her an exasperated look. "Kathy, I am Q. I know everything. The point is, you have been beating yourself up because the image he projected of Mark accused you of being unfaithful."

"I was never unfaithful!"

Now he sat back thoughtfully. "Ah, that may be a matter of opinion."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"There's cheating, and then there is cheating." He placed his hand over his heart when he said the last phrase. "My dear Kathy, you have been feeling like a terrible person because you are afraid that you have been unfaithful to Mark in your heart."

She wanted to protest but she couldn't. Instead she sat back down and let her head fall into her hands.

Q returned to the couch. "Don't you see Kathy, I brought him here so you could sort it all out. Is it really Mark you still want or is it that big oaf?"

She rubbed her temples. "How long?"

"Five days, counting today."

"Who knows he is gone?"

"Everyone. He went to a symposium on some something or other."

She raised her head and looked at Q. "Will he remember?"

"No."

"Fine."

"Aren't you going to thank me?"

As she walked out her door she mumbled one last sentence. "Thank you, I was thinking of killing you."

"I heard that Kathy."

The Captain strode into sickbay. She immediately went to the Doctor. He was standing next to Mark who was sitting on a biobed. "All my tests show…"

The Captain finished his sentence "That he is indeed my fiancé."

"I was going to say human male but if you want to call him your fiancé far be it from me to stop you."

"Captain…"

"Tuvok, it appears we will have a visitor for the next five days."

Tuvok was not convinced. "And how would you know that Captain?"

"Q."

At the sound of his name the entire room with the exception of Chakotay relaxed.

"So, as I said we will have a guest with us for the next five days."

"What are you talking about Kath, a visitor for five days? And who what is this Q" Mark pushed her for some answers.

Tuvok eyed her cautiously. "Should I arrange for quarters for our guest?"

Chakotay must have made a noise because the Captain finally looked in his direction and noticed his presence. Her nervousness returned. "Yes Tuvok, please do."

Chakotay was not willing to let it end there. He needed some reassurance, however small it might be. "Captain, at the moment there are no extra quarters on Voyager."

She looked him directly in the eye as she spoke. "Maybe Mr. Paris would be willing to room with Harry for awhile so our guest could use his quarters."

Mark didn't understand exactly what was happening but he injected his thoughts just the same. "Kath, I thought I would just stay with you." The room went dead silent. Chakotay's body tensed even more than he thought humanly possible.

Kathryn remained next to Mark and placed her hand on his arm. She spoke to him softly. "Mark, I know it is quite a shock being here like this. I promise I will explain everything tomorrow. Right now it is the middle of the night and most of us need to be on the bridge at 0700 hours. Go with Tuvok, get some sleep and I will see you tomorrow."

Mark relented and turned to face her. "Okay Kath. This has been one hell of a day." He took her face in his hands and kissed her goodnight before she had the chance to react. 

He had no way of knowing that his innocent gesture was an extreme breach of protocol. Nor could he begin to fathom the turmoil it created in the hearts and minds of the people present. 

Kathryn turned her back and began to leave sickbay. It was too much. "Tuvok, please speak to Mr. Paris and get our guest settled. I will be in my quarters should there be an emergency." With that she was gone. Tuvok did as he was told and the Doctor went back to his research. Only Chakotay remained where he stood, tense and silent. His breathing labored in an attempt to calm his rapid heart. The anger was running like a river through his blood. The hurt was an anchor that held his heart.


	2. Caught Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Day Two: Caught Between A Rock and A Hard Place

It was 0630 when Kathryn rang the chime of the guest quarters. She didn't know whether he would be up or not, but felt that she should see him. A sleepy voice told her to come in. When she entered, she was greeted by a tired man in boxer shorts. Instinctively, she turned her head to give him privacy.

Mark laughed. "Come on Kath, you have seen me in less than this!"

She tried to laugh along with him but it was merely a nervous reaction. She was uncomfortable.

"Sit down. I'll get dressed and then we can talk." He slipped into the other room. "How much time do we have? I remember you saying that you had to be on the bridge this morning."

She was still standing by the door, her spine stiff and her hands locked behind her back. "I have to be there in about a half an hour. I thought maybe we could go to the mess hall for a quick breakfast." Her thoughts spilled out nervously. "I will be working until 1600. Then I thought you might enjoy a tour of the ship and then maybe dinner." 

By the time she finished, he had returned. "That sounds fine. Lead on."

She exited his quarters and led the way to the turbo lift. She kept her hands behind her for fear that he would hold her hand. She did not want a repetition of what had happened in sickbay yesterday. 

Word had spread quickly throughout the ship about the appearance of the Captain's boyfriend. It made the empty chair across from Commander Chakotay at breakfast all the more prominent. They had met every morning for breakfast for the past six months. Today he ate alone. He heard the room drop into silence and he looked up from his plate. He watched as his captain ordered breakfast for herself and her new companion. His appetite lost, he got up and recycled his dishes. The only way out of the mess hall was past the two of them.

He nodded his head in polite greeting. "Captain."

She winced when she heard his voice. She had forgotten their daily breakfast meeting. "Commander." With hope in her eyes she added, "I'll see you on the bridge shortly."

He paused and looked at her for a moment beyond what was socially acceptable. "Take your time, Captain. I can see that you are busy." With that he stormed out of the room.

'Damn that man! He had no right!' She turned to pick up the breakfast tray fighting desperately to keep her Captain's mask in place. 'If that was true then why did his words hurt so much?'

Mark had witnessed the entire exchange but decided to ignore it. "Kath, is there a special captain's table?"

She led him to a table in the corner where they would have as much privacy as possible. As she picked at her food she explained about Q and their present situation. She was careful to leave out the parts about her doubts as well as Chakotay's part in the situation.

"That's kind of sweet. He brought me here because you missed me." He reached across the table to take her hand. She pulled it away before he succeeded. "What's the matter? You did miss me. Didn't you?

She placed her elbows on the table and folded her hands under her chin. Her voice soften a little as she spoke. "Of course I did. It's just that… Mark, you have to understand, I am the Captain. You can't just go around holding my hand, much less kissing me like you did in sickbay."

"Why not?"

"Because I am the Captain! I have a certain image to uphold."

"Kath, I haven't seen you in over three years." His voice began to get louder as his emotions poured out. "Hell I thought you were dead! Now I'm here and you're here. All I want to do is hold you tight and never let you go. I want to kiss you all night long. I want to make love to you over and over to try and erase the sadness of the last three years." 

Just as he finished that sentence a young ensign from engineering walked by. As embarrasses as she was at her timing, she could not ignore her captain. "Good morning, Captain."

"Ensign." She lowered her voice. She pointed to the passing ensign. "Now do you see what I mean?"

"No, I don't!" Mark shouted.

Captain Janeway was not used to having to explain herself. She paused in an attempt to calm herself. "She just heard you say you wanted to make love to me!"

Mark tried to control his voice. "And?"

"Don't you get it? Anyone could hear what you are saying or for that matter see what you are doing."

"So what?"

She was furious. Through clenched teeth she tried once again. "I am the Captain for god sakes."

"You are also a woman." He tried to stop the smile that begged to spread across his face. It had been a long time since he saw that fire in her eyes.

She couldn't believe it! He had the nerve to laugh at her. Exasperated, she tried once again to make him understand. "Don't you see? It would be like me coming into the institute and kissing you in front of everyone while you were presenting a paper! It would go against every protocol! Just indulge me in this, please. This is a very small ship. Talk of public displays typically spread around the ship before the incident is over. I don't want to be the center of ship's gossip."

He relented. "Fine, no more public displays of affection," he smiled mischievously, "as long as you promise to indulge me in private."

She had reached her breaking point. "I need to go." She stood up and straightened her uniform. "What are you going to do?"

He sensed a difference in her. It was almost a coldness. She had been reserved throughout their relationship but it felt different now. She was distant. "Do I have to return to my quarters?"

"Of course not! You are not a prisoner." She got to go. "I'll see you later."

"Yes, I will look forward to seeing the ship."

I may not be a prisoner but I sure feel like an unwelcome guest. He sipped his coffee as he stared out into the stars. Three and a half years was a long time.

Captain Janeway took the turbo lift to the bridge. She stood in silence dreading its arrival on deck one. Today started out badly and was about to get worse. The doors opened and she stepped out. Before anyone could speak she called for a report.

Harry Kim responded first. "It is very quiet, Captain. There is nothing out there."

"Thank you Mr. Kim."

Next, Mr. Paris announced the course.

"As you were Mr. Paris." She turned to face Tuvok. She was doing everything she could to avoid facing her first officer.

"As Mr. Kim stated, it is quiet. The reports from last night are in your ready room."

"Thank you. I will be in there reading them if you need me." With that said she walked briskly across the bridge and entered her sanctuary.

Once inside she let out her breath and her hand immediately went to her temples. She forged ahead to her desk and began to read, hoping to get lost in her work. It did not work. Her thoughts kept invading her conscious mind. She found herself in emotional agony. 'Damn it, if this wasn't the dullest day in the Delta Quadrant, not a ship, not a planet, not even an anomaly, just me and my thoughts! This day is interminable.' She continued to work in the solitude of her ready room while those on the bridge began to be concerned.

"Tuvok, she has been in there for eight straight hours! Don't you think someone should check on her?" Tom had heard about their new visitor. He also heard about the encounter with the first officer at breakfast, so he knew better than to ask Chakotay.

"Lt. Paris, it is not unusual for the Captain to remain in her ready room reading reports."

"Come on Tuvok, you and I both know that there is nothing in those reports worthy of eight hours."

"May I remind you that she is the Captain and does not answer to me or anyone else on this bridge."

Commander Chakotay had had enough. He jumped up from his chair and down the step onto the bridge floor. "I'll go." He took two steps toward her door when it suddenly opened and she emerged. He couldn't help but catch her surprised look as she made eye contact with him.

She stopped. "Commander?"

He turned and returned to his seat. He did not trust himself to speak.

She crossed in front of him and took her seat. "Report."

Each station in turn reported no change. 

The bridge was silent for the remaining 60 minutes of the Alpha Shift.

Captain Janeway sat and stared out the view screen at the stars in this unknown section of space. She found no comfort in them.

Commander Chakotay did the same. If the Captain had looked over, she would have seen that his knuckles were white and his muscles were ripe with tension as his death grip on the arm rests continued.

Tom, who usually enjoyed the social interplay between the Command Team, remained mute at his station. If he let himself, he could almost feel sorry for the old man.

Harry was just praying for time to move quickly so he could escape.

Tuvok as always stood stiffly at his post. He watched the body language of the Captain and the Commandeer and it occurred to him that this might be a very trying five days for her.

The captain and her fiancé had been quietly walking around the ship for about an hour when they reached engineering. So far she had not run into anyone that needed an introduction but that was about to change. She would have to introduce him to B'Elanna. She squared her shoulders and prepared for the worst. B'Elanna was Chakotay's oldest friend. When the doors opened they found themselves amidst controlled chaos. The first thing the Captain noticed was the heat. Then she saw people hustling from station to station with tools in their hand. The Captain searched for B'Elanna. She followed the sound Klingon cursing to find her chief engineer replacing wiring under the main console.

"Report."

B'Elanna jumped at the sound of her voice. "Captain… I … didn't mean for anyone to call you. We can handle the problem." She admonished her entire staff with a single look.

The Captain squatted down and spoke reassuringly to B'Elanna. "No one called me. I was just walking around the ship. Now what is the problem?"

"There was an overload on the console and it shorted out. Just when I get one relay fixed another blows." The frustration was evident in her voice.

Captain Janeway crawled under the adjacent panel. "Here let me help." The women worked side by side for the better part of an hour. Mark stood in the corner and watched. He always knew what she did for a living but it was something else to actually see it.

Tom had come to engineering in hopes of convincing B'Elanna to have dinner with him. He stood back and watched the scene play out in front of him. Slowly he approached the man he surmised to be the Captain's fiancé. "She is something else. Isn't she?"

The man turned around to see the smiling face of a crewman who looked vaguely familiar. Before he could respond a stern voice barked from the other direction.

"I remind you Mr. Paris that that is the Captain you are talking about. I suggestion that you show a little discretion before I put you on report. Is that clear?"

"Perfectly Commander."

By now both B'Elanna and the Captain had emerged. "Gentlemen, is there a problem?"

Still staring at Chakotay Tom shook his head and answered her. "No Captain. There is no problem." He was in no mood to be a part of whatever would happen next so he excused himself and left.

It was then that Chakotay noticed the Captain's messed hair and the tools in her hand. "Is there a problem Captain?" 

She laughed as he turned her words onto her. "Just some trouble with the relays. I helped B'Elanna take care of them."

Mark went to her side and struck a possessive pose. "It was interesting watching you work. I always pictured you on the bridge giving orders. It never occurred to me that you would have to get on your back and get your hands dirty."

"I enjoy getting on my back and getting my hands dirty. I am sorry it took so long." In truth she had forgotten that he was there.

"Well, shall we head to dinner Kat… Captain?"

She smiled at his effort to be proper. "Yes, but I need to clean up first." Chakotay and B'Elanna were still standing there so she saw no other alternative. "Would you two care to join us?"

Before Chakotay could decline B'Elanna answered yes for both of them.

"The Commander and I can meet you in the mess hall after you two clean up, if he will lead the way."

The ladies left with the two men close behind. Once they were alone, Mark spoke up. "You don't like me do you Commander?"

Using ever bit of strength the spirits ever gave him Chakotay held his tongue.

Mark laughed. "That's all right Commander because I don't like you either. You are the reason that she is here. If it weren't for you and your band of renegades she would be home with me. We would be married and maybe even have children. She would be happy."

They had reached the end of their journey and Chakotay had reached the end of his patience. Before they entered the mess hall he said what was on his mind. "She would have been with you but that doesn't necessarily mean that she would be happy. How could you make her happy when you don't even know her? You didn't even know what her job entailed. You've been together for a long time and you still don't know what kind of captain she is! She's the hands on kind. She likes to be involved in all aspects of the ship. I guess you just pictured her life nice and easy sitting on the bridge. You live a different life than her. You have no idea what kind of strength and ability it takes to captain Voyager as well as she does! You don't know her at all!"

"And I suppose you do!"

The men were standing dangerously close. Chakotay spoke through clenched teeth. "Yes."

"Good that gives me all the more reason to dislike you." He turned to walk into the mess hall but stopped and added, "Just remember, in the end she will be coming home to me."

They both donned a false smile as they entered. Mark did not hear Chakotay as he whispered, "We'll see about that!"

Dinner went as well as could be expected. Both men were able to successfully hide their feelings. B'Elanna was officially introduced to the Captain's fiancé. They talked about Starfleet as well as things back home. He asked questions about the ship and the various species they had met. Chakotay enjoyed detailing the many harrowing experiences that the Captain had been through. For some perverse reason he found solace in the fact that he had supported her through those times, not Mark. It was late and all the tables in the mess hall were empty except for theirs. Neelix came over and offered them coffee.

Chakotay declined and stood up. B'Elanna did the same. They left Mark and the Captain alone with their coffee.

Chakotay was pacing B'Elanna's quarters like a caged tiger. "Before we even got to the mess hall I wanted to punch that smug look off of his face. He said that I was the reason that she was stuck here. If it wasn't for me and the Maquis she would be home with him living a happy life." 

B'Elanna grabbed his arm and forced him to sit down. She let her hand remain on his arm. At one time she would have given anything for him be jealous over her, but that was long ago. In this place and time he was simply the good friend she never had before he came into her life and now he needed her. "Do you think he is right?"

"Yes! No!" He raked his hands through he short hair. "I don't know." He closed his eyes and laid his head against the headrest.

"Do you think Captain Janeway would be happy settled down on earth? What would she do all day? Cook!" He couldn't help but laugh at that picture. "He doesn't understand her at all if he believes that that is true."

"That's what I told him."

"And what did he say?"

"He asked me if I thought that I knew her better and I told him yes."

"You do understand her. You just don't realize how much she needs you. You give her the strength to do things that she could never do alone." He looked at her skeptically. "I know, because you did the same for me. I would never have become what I am today without your belief in me. I think the Captain feels the same way." B'Elanna took his hand and held it tightly. She knew he took comfort in physical contact. They sat quietly for awhile before B'Elanna continued. "What did he say when you told him that you understood her better than he did."

Chakotay sighed again. "He reminded me that Kathryn would be going home to him."

B'Elanna cringed at the calculated meanness of Mark's words, then she grinned. "Do you want me to break his nose for you?" Despite his anger Chakotay laughed out loud. Then he considered taking her up on the offer. 

The Captain stood up and directed Mark to the couch in front of the view port. They settled down in uneasy silence.

She turned to face him as she tucked her legs underneath her on the couch. "Mark, I am sorry if things did not turn out the way you expected today."

"I did not expect anything. Two days ago I did not expect to be here!" They both laughed. "Life with you is never dull. Kath, are we in public now? I mean, I know we are in the mess hall but it is empty. I thought maybe you could sit over here with me."

She slide over and settled herself under his arm. It struck her that it did not feel the way she remembered it. She didn't seem to fit. She fidgeted awhile and then tried to relax.

He closed his eyes and inhaled the aroma of her hair. In his mind he saw her naked in their bed. The sound of her sigh forced him to open his eyes. "Don't cry, sweetie, please."

Through her tears she spoke. "You don't know how hard this is for me. For more than three years I have been pushing the memories of you and your touch deep down within myself. It hurt too much to remember." He stroked her hair as she spoke. "I have to be strong to command this ship. I can't let loneliness or longing get in my way. Now you are here and it is all coming back to me."

"I am only going to be here for three more days. Can't we just enjoy our time together?"

"No, we can't! You will not remember these five days but I will. I cannot allow myself to do anything that would compromise my ability to command this ship." The tears began again.

He pulled her closer. "Shh. Just sit and let me hold you. Let me share my strength with you."

She did sit there but she didn't feel it. She felt no strength, she felt exhausted, beaten. She would rather be battling the Borg than waging the emotional battle that played itself out within her heart. 


	3. More Than A Game

Day Three: More Than A Game

With the Captain's approval Tom put together an impromptu get together at Sandrines. Most of the people invited took the opportunity to relax and have fun. Some played pool, some danced, and some just spent time relaxing with their friends. Spirits were high that evening, as was the noise level, but a definite hush fell over the room when the Captain entered on the arm of their new guest. As she walked in, Kathryn eyed the first booth which remained empty. It was where she and Chakotay always sat when they came to Sandrines. She walked past it and led Mark to the second one and sat down. Kathryn saw Sandrine began to approach. She jumped up to cut her off. The last thing she needed was Sandrine talking to Mark.

"I'll get us some drinks."

She arrived at the bar and ordered.

"Cheri, that is a fine looking man. I have never seen him here before. Who is he?"

"An old friend."

"Ah, yes, an old friend. I bet he is no friend of the Commander, oui?"

Kathryn took their drinks and returned to her seat.

"This is very cozy Kath."

"Mr. Paris designed it. Apparently there is a real Sandrines in Marseilles.

"It seems like a nice place to spend your off duty hours."

She sipped her wine. "I don't come here much."

He seemed surprised. "Why not?"

She waved her delicate hand around pointing to the crowd. "I like to give them, the crew, their space. They can't really relax when their Captain is among them."

He looked at the couple cuddling in the corner, and the other dancing intimately on the dance. "They look pretty relaxed to me."

She followed his gaze and laughed. "Some are less intimated by my presence than others. Anyway tonight is different. Tom only invited a few people. He wanted you and I to have some peace."

Mark pointed to Tom who was playing pool. "He looks vaguely familiar to me. Should I know him?"

Kathryn smiled as she watched Tom beat another unsuspecting person. "He is Owen Paris' son."

"Of course. I see it now. I forgot that he signed on as an observer."

"That was a long time ago." She thought of all the changes in Tom since she took him out of that prison. She was proud of the man that he had become.

"Yes, it was." Mark thought of how happy they had been then and wonder if they ever would be again.

Abruptly he stood up and extended his hand. "Let's dance."

"Oh Mark, I don't know."

He gave her a sheepish grin. The one she used to not be able to resist. "I promise to behave. Besides, as you said, there's only a few people here."

They took the floor as the music slowed. He held her securely but at an acceptable distance. "Okay?", he asked.

"Okay." She relaxed a little knowing that he would not do anything to embarrass her. He said something funny and she threw her head back and laughed.

At that precise moment a new game of pool was beginning. The cue ball hit the rack of balls so hard the sound reverberated throughout the bar.

Kathryn heard it and looked in the direction of the table. She caught his eye when she did and quickly looked away.

Tom couldn't contain his smirk. "I guess you have solids, Chakotay."

Chakotay continued to pummel ball after ball. It amazed Tom that he could play so well while one eye remained glued to the dance floor. The music and the game ended at the same time. Kathryn and Mark ambled over to the pool table.

"Captain, it is nice to see you tonight. Care to play?"

"Tom, you know the rules. The Captain is only allowed to play the final game of the night. Otherwise she ruins the competition. Isn't there anyone else who wants to challenge me?" The word challenge was directed at Mark.

"I'd love to play, Commander." He took the cue from Tom's hand. "But I should warn you, I've been playing this particular game all my life and I plan on winning in the end."

"It doesn't matter if I am newer to the game, it only matters that I am better. You may have the break"

"How about a kiss for luck, Kath?" He bent down and kissed her swiftly. He knew she would be angry, but he couldn't resist.

Tom, Harry and B'Elanna were leaning against the far end bar watching the drama as it unfolded.

"I wonder who will win this pissing contest?"

"Pissing contest?"

Tom continued. "Sorry Harry, it's an old earth term. It is used to describe a test of sorts between two men who are trying to out do each other. It was usually done in an attempt to prove their masculinity."

"My rations are on Chakotay."

"I agree, B'Elanna. Tom?"

"Darn it. I'd love to pick up some rations but I have to agree. I can't bet against a love sick warrior."

Mark broke and immediately sank a striped ball. He missed his next shot and Chakotay took over. Chakotay's blood was boiling. He struck the cue forcefully sending it craning off the side cushion. Not a single ball was touched. Mark walked around and surveyed the table. He leaned down and tapped the white ball, which in turn slowly rolled and grazed the striped ball near the far corner. With a thud the stripped one fell into the hole. 

"You see Commander, pool is a game of touch. There is a difference between thinking you have the touch and actually having it. Many people delude themselves into believing they have things that they never did." By the time he missed again, Mark needed just one more ball to win the game.

Chakotay took a deep breath and approached the table. With eerie concentration he began to sink one ball after another.

"Excellent form Commander but then again you probably had plenty of time to practice being _second_ in command and all."

Tom had to chuckle. This guy was good. He was getting under Chakotay skin almost as good as Tom used to in the early days of their voyage.

Chakotay continued to run the table. He sank the eight ball before he spoke. "I don't know if it is the time I had to practice or the teacher. You know all those late nights alone at the pool table." Chakotay walked over and returned the stick to the rack on the wall. "It is easy to learn the right form when a beautiful woman wraps her arms around you and holds you stroke after stroke."

Even Harry had caught on. He muttered, "That one had to hurt!"

B'Elanna growled. "I'd still rather break his nose."

"Apparently you learn well, Commander. Let's just hope that's true in all cases. Speaking of beautiful women, I'll see if Kathryn is ready to leave." Mark turned, when he didn't see her immediately he started to head toward the booths on the far wall.

Chakotay called out to stop him. "Mark." His nemesis turned and faced him. "She left fifteen minutes ago." Mark looked around the bar and when he didn't find her he left quickly.

Tom leaned over to Harry. "Game, set and match to Chakotay." 

Kathryn was laying on her couch when a familiar voice beckoned her.

"What's the matter Kathy? Life's not all that it's cracked up to be?"

She didn't even raise the arm that was covering her eyes. "Go away, Q!"

"Why so angry? I would have thought you'd be…" he waved his hands in the air, "what's the word…" he snapped his fingers and smiled "rejuvenated by now." He frowned. "No, not rejuvenated, fulfilled! No, not fulfilled, satisfied!" 

Very slowly Kathryn Janeway lowered her arm. She then very deliberately sat up. She stared at him as only she could, and began to walk very slowly towards him. "I am NOT rejuvenated, I am NOT fulfilled, and I am NOT satisfied." She was now barely a centimeter away from him and she began poking him the chest. "The only thing that might satisfy me now is YOUR HEAD ON A PLATTER!" She had effectively forced him against the wall where she remained intimately close.

He wrapped his arms around her. "My darling Kathy, I would be more than happy to ease your tension and satisfy you!"

She spun on her heels and paced around the room. "You disgust me Q!"

"You know what they say, a thin line between…

She turned and glared at him again. "Don't go there!"

"Fine, fine but sit down your making me dizzy." Once they were both settled at a safe distance from each other, Q continued. "There is another old saying, be careful what you wish for. You were agonizing over the fiancé you left behind, wishing you could see him again. Now, here is it. What's the problem?"

"He doesn't belong here, Q."

"Of course he does. He belongs her with you!"

"I didn't say he doesn't belong with me. I said he doesn't belong **here,** on this ship. He doesn't understand."

"Of course he doesn't understand, he is not an explorer. He is one of those guys who spends his life thinking, not doing. So he doesn't understand how a starship works. Big deal."

Kathryn put her head in her hands. She was so damned tired. Maybe she should tell Q how she felt. Hell, he probably already knew what she was thinking. It might feel good to finally talk to someone. "It's not that he doesn't understand the ship," her voice got infinitely softer, "he doesn't understand me."

Q sat back in the chair. "Ah, I see."

She looked up. "Do you?"

"I do. You want things to be the way they were between you. You want to be blissfully happy in your ignorance."

She looked at him sharply. "NO! That's not it."

"Isn't it? You lived with the man, yet you didn't. You lived separate lives. You did your Starfleet thing and he did his, whatever it is he does thing, and when you were together it was good. Not deep, but good. There was no in depth commitment, no rendering of the souls but then again there was no fear, no risk. You want it to be like that again."

She shook her head as a tear fell and hit her hand.

"You don't want it to be like that?"

"Yes."

"You do want it to be like that."

"No."

"Come on Kathy make up your mind!"

She looked up at him with her swollen red eyes. "No, I don't want it to be like that."

Q moved over and sat beside her. As out of character as it was for him, he felt sorry for her. He actually liked her. She was one of the few humans he felt that way about. In fact, he almost considered her a friend, but still, sometimes she could be so stubborn. "You don't want it to be like that again because you have found out there is more. There is a completeness that comes with commitment. There is a nourishment that comes when you surrender your soul. There is a heady thrill when there is fear. You have discovered all those things and now you cannot go back. Isn't that right Kathy?"

Before she could answer the chime rang. Q leaned back on the couch. "Which one will it be?" He flipped his hands back and forth weighing his decision. He leaned over to her ear and whispered, "Let's make a bet. If it is Chuckles you concede that I am right."

She regained her composure and called out to find out who it was at the door.

"Chakotay."

Q gave her that I told you so look.

The door was locked and required a manual override to open. She walked over to the door and placed her head against it. "Chakotay. I was just going to bed. Can we talk tomorrow?"

He heard the exhaustion in her voice. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You left Sandrines rather abruptly."

The tears fell silently as she heard the concern in his voice. Half of her wanted to open the door and pull him in and the other half hated herself for feeling that way. "I'm fine. I'll see in the morning." She turned to leave when she heard him speak again.

"Kathryn, I cannot make breakfast tomorrow."

She smiled. It was just like him to ease her burden. "That's fine. I'll see you on the bridge." She stood there and listened as she heard him open his door and enter his quarters. She opened her eyes and walked past Q to her bedroom.

"I believe you owe me a concession speech."

"Q, your omnipotent, you knew who it was before he even rang the chime!"

"Captain." 

His use of her title stopped her cold.

"It's time to decide what you really want."


	4. A Long Night's Journey into Day

Day Four: The Calm and The Storm

"You should have seen them dancing. He was practically on top of her."

~

"When I came down to the mess hall late the other night they were together on the couch. It was dark and no one else was around. I can only imagine what happened next."

~

"I saw him kiss her in front of everyone at Sandrines. 

~

"It must be great to have sex again after three long years alone."

"Oh come on! Her and Chakotay have been doing it for years. It's him I feel sorry for."

~ 

He stormed past the two crewmen who were discussing the Captain's sex life. He said nothing but his pointed stare sent shivers of dread down each of their spines. They turned down the first corridor they could find to escape his bubbling ire.

Every where he went it was the same. He overheard people talking about Kathryn and Mark. By the time he reached the bridge he was fuming. He exited the turbo lift to see Tuvok still sitting in the Captain's chair. He crossed the back of the bridge and sat down in his chair. Tuvok relinquished command and returned to his position at tactical. Each station in turn gave Chakotay their report. Everything remained status quo, except for the Captain. She was late. Just then his commbadge chirped. He tapped it and said, "Go ahead."

"Commander is everything all right on the bridge?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Good. I will be a little late this morning." She quietly added that she had overslept. "You have the bridge until I arrive."

"Yes, Ma'am. Chakotay out."

Three heads snapped to attention when Chakotay uttered the word ma'am. Everyone knew that the Captain did not like that official title. In fact, Harry remembered that she told him to only use that when it was crunch time. Apparently, in Commander Chakotay's mind, it was crunch time.

Chakotay sat and stewed in his command chair. 'In all the time they had been on Voyager she had never overslept. Why today? Did Mark come and see her after Sandrines? Maybe that was why she did not want to open the door last night. Spirits I hope he did not spend the night.' These thoughts and many others continued to swirl around Chakotay's brain. So, by the time the Captain actually appeared on the bridge he was in a state of quiet rage.

The Captain settled into her chair calling for reports. As before there was nothing to report. She chanced a glance in Chakotay's direction and was not surprised to see the hard set of his jaw. She knew when he called her ma'am that something was wrong. She just didn't have the strength to ask him about it. She had finally fallen asleep two hours before she was supposed to get up. She had been plagued by the final thing Q had said to her. "It was time to decide what she really wanted." She thought about that until she felt sick. Even with all her thinking she came to the same conclusion that she always did. It didn't matter what she wanted. An overwhelming sadness had enveloped her and then she cried herself to sleep for the first time in a long time. When she woke up she looked horrible. She needed extra time to get ready in an attempt to disguise her pain. As she sat there the only thing that lightened her load was the idea that Mark would be gone in one more day. She couldn't wait for her fiancé to leave. What a horrible person that made her. Upon that realization the weight returned to her shoulders and a sigh escaped from her lips. As she had the past two days, she practically ran to her ready room to hide. The only problem was that she could not hide from herself.

Chakotay couldn't help but notice how good she looked. Her cheeks were pink, almost flush, and she had a little spring in her step. Then she sat down next to him, and sighed. Was it a sigh of contentment or of frustration? He couldn't tell. He settled back and prepared for what felt like another excruciatingly long day. She took him by surprise when she abruptly went to her ready room without saying a word.

The other members of the bridge crew almost laughed. Each day seemed to begin the same way. Thankfully an end was in sight. The five days Q had given their guest was almost up.

Chakotay worked in silence all morning. He was two weeks ahead on crew rotation schedules and he had even begun some preliminary work on the yearly evaluations. But as hard as he tried he could not clear his mind of Kathryn. When Mark existed only as a memory he was an easy adversary. Chakotay had the distinct advantage, he was with her and Mark was not. All that changed with a snap of Q's finger. Now he was no longer a memory. Mark was a real live flesh and blood man, who had spent the last three days getting reacquainted with his fiancée. Now he had an unfair advantage. It was not that Chakotay was afraid of the challenge but he wasn't sure how to compete with a man who could kiss and touch Kathryn at will, when he could not. He was torn between pushing her and giving her the distance she always requested. How could she make a comparison between them when he had never even kissed her? He sat for awhile longer considering his options. Then he made his decision.

He walked briskly toward her door leaving Tuvok in charge as he did.

He walked in to find her at her desk reading reports. She looked up expectantly as he crossed the room and stood directly in front of her. "Kathryn, these last three days have been very hard for me."

Before he could say another word she countered, "It has been hard for me too." She looked down at her hands which she had folded in her lap.

"When he was thousands of light years away it was easy to pretend he didn't exist."

"I know." 

"You and I could attend functions together, have dinners, play pool." He stammered as he continued. He had rehearsed it all in his mind on the bridge but it seemed harder now. "We could do all the things couples did without actually being a couple."

"I know."

He ran his hand through his hair as he always did when he was nervous. Kathryn couldn't help but smile. She knew this man so well, yet she still found an element of peace in his simple familiar gestures. "You were more than my friend but less than my wife."

The emotions began to well up within her once again. "I know."

His eyes were soft and his voice almost a whisper as he spoke to her. "I don't know how to fight this battle, Kathryn." She began to say something but he stopped her. "He can take you in his arms and make love to you while I can only stand beside you and be your friend. It is difficult to win when the playing field is so uneven."

He did not know how right he was. The playing field was very uneven because his friendship was more important to her than any physical comfort that her fiancé could give her. He would not believe that under these circumstances so she looked at him and told him the one thing he wanted to know. "I have not slept with him, Chakotay."

She remained seated behind her desk while he remained standing in front of it. "I don't want to add more pressure to what I can see is an already difficult situation." He placed his two hands down on the surface and leaned in closer to her. "Just know this Kathryn Janeway, that if I was seeing you for the first time in more than three years it would be very different. I would take you in my arms and hold your head close to my heart so you could hear it beat just for you. I would find your lips and sear them to mine until their touch was imprinted in your mind forever. I would take you to my bed and love you as you deserve, slowly," he leaned in an inch closer, "meticulously," and closer still, "passionately, until both our bodies and souls were intertwined so irrevocably that you would never even think of anyone else again. And through it all, and when we left my bed, I would remain where I am today, beside you, your best friend." He removed his hands and stood erectly. "We both know what is at stake here Kathryn. You have to decide."

She got out of her seat and walked around her desk to his side. A tear slid down her cheek. The conflict was evident in her eyes. "No matter what I do, after tomorrow, he will not even remember."

"But we will." He raised his hand and gently brushed the tear away. Her resolve was failing. She was close to throwing caution to the wind and wrapping her body around his. He pulled his hand back and returned it to his side. He turned and headed for the door. He stopped to add one last thing before he left. "Whatever you do Kathryn I will be here for you. I am your friend, no matter what. But it is time to ask yourself what you really want." With that said he slipped through the doors and disappeared onto the bridge.

"What do I want Chakotay? What do I want?" She sank down on her desk as she admitted for the first time even to herself, that the one thing she wanted, was the one thing she couldn't have, him.

When Chakotay left the Captain he practically ran into Mark who was standing next to Chakotay's command chair. Before the Commander could say anything Tuvok spoke. "Mr. Johnson came to the bridge a few moments ago to pick up the Captain for their lunch date. I informed him that I could not disturb her. I would have to wait until your meeting was finished before I could call the Captain."

Chakotay eyed the chief of security with surprise. "Thank you, Tuvok. I will go and inform the Captain that she has a guest waiting for her." Just as Chakotay began to retrace his steps to the ready room the ship rocked. The Captain bounded out of her ready room in an instant.

"Report!"

"There is nothing to report, Captain."

She spun around and glared at him. "Ensign Kim, my ship does not simply shake for no reason! So either there is some sort of spatial anomaly out there or we are being fired upon and I want to know what it is! Is that clear."

"Yes, Captain." Harry frantically checked all scans to find some sort of answer. Before he could find anything the ship rocked again.

Chakotay hailed engineering. "B'Elanna, is there anything going on down there that would cause the ship to rock like this?"

"No, Chakotay. I was just going to call you and ask you what was going on up there."

"Check your readings and the warp core just to be sure. We have no explanation for what is happening and we need an answer yesterday!"

"Captain, there is an energy reading off our port bow. I believe it is a cloaked ship."

"Good work, Tuvok. Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Paris. Harry, hail them."

"No response, Captain."

Voyager rocked violently once again. "Shields are holding at 98%" Chakotay heard what sounded like a crack coming from Harry's station. He turned to see what it was. He jumped from his chair and hurled himself against their forgotten guest who had been standing quietly next to Ops. Mark was knocked out of the way just as a piece of bulkhead came crashing down. By the time Kathryn turned around she saw her First Officer pinned to the floor under the piece of the ship that had fallen. Mark was the first to reach him. He tried to lift the massive structure off of the Commander but he couldn't. Two crewmen arrived to help and they successfully freed the trapped First Officer. Kathryn reached down and found his faint pulse. She turned his head to the side and found blood pouring out of an open wound. She hit her badge, "Emergency site to site transport. Commander Chakotay has sustained a head injury." After his body disappeared in a shimmer of light the Captain stood to return to her command. "Tuvok, find that damn ship and lock phasers on it. The lines of diplomatic communication have just been severed!"

Mark had frantically watched as the man who probably saved his life was beamed to sickbay. He then saw a side of Kathryn that he had never witnessed. She was a different person, suddenly she was larger than life. She had become the embodiment of steel resolve. She had become their leader. For the first time in his life he saw her as a Starfleet Captain. He silently walked to the side of her command chair. "Kath, I'm sorry. I never…"

Without turning her head she gave her orders. "Mr Ayala get this civilian off my bridge!" 

It was 0200 by the time the Captain finally made it to sickbay. She had played cat and mouse with their mystery ship for more than 9 hours before the situation finally ended. Voyager had taken minor damage and no injuries were reported. Once everything was secure she left the bridge to Tuvok and came to sickbay to check on Chakotay.

He was lying perfectly still on the biobed when she approached him. "Doctor?"

The Doctor had seen her walk in and was already coming to speak to her.

"How is he Doctor?" The Captain was standing beside her First Officer with her hand on his bare shoulder.

"As you know he sustained a blow to the head. It fractured his skull. There were cuts on his head and face and he also fractured his left wrist when he fell." The Captain never took her eyes off of Chakotay as she listened to the Doctor's report. "I repaired all the damage. The trauma to the head will result in some severe headaches once he wakes up but that should be the only residual."

"Did you give him a sedative?" Without realizing it she began to gently rub her hand across his shoulder and chest.

"No, Captain. He has yet to wake up."

"Is that a cause for concern considering that he was hit in the head?"

"If he doesn't wake up within the next eight hours then I will be concerned, but for now I believe sleep is the best thing for him."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"You're quite welcome."

"Things look quiet down here. If you don't mind I think I will stay awhile."

"It's your ship." The Doctor returned to his office while the Captain pulled up a chair and sat down beside the biobed. 

Her left hand returned to his upper body where she gently caressed his skin. At the same time she took his hand in her right hand and held it tightly. She sat in silence for a long time just enjoying the momentary freedom to touch him. She watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically. On impulse she lifted his hand and hers to cover his heart. 'What was it he had said? I would place your hand on my heart that beats only for you.' She smiled at the thought of their previous conversation. The man had a way with words. If his actions were half as good, well she better not even think about it. She returned their hands to his side and began to talk. "You missed an interesting one this afternoon, Chakotay. There **was** a cloaked ship on our port bow and it was firing a low level type of weapon. It was not enough to do serious damage but enough to rattle us around. We continued to chase the shadow for hours on end. We would get hit with a blast and a reading would appear and then just as quickly it would disappear. It went on like this for hours. No real danger or threat but damn annoying. Finally, about an hour ago another ship appeared on our port bow. This one was much larger and well armed. I was about to order evasive maneuvers when the new ship hailed us. It turned out that the smaller ship had been stolen by the son of the captain of the large one. The boy was attempting to prove his worth to his father. Needless to say his father was not pleased. He apologized for any inconvenience his son may have caused and then took the other ship and left." She had leaned so far over that her head was practically resting on him. "I accepted their apology and let them go without telling them that his son's actions had almost killed my first officer. He had apologized for any inconvenience but you are more than an inconvenience. You are my friend." She was crying now. The tears dripped onto Chakotay's arm who had yet to stir. "I was just about to tell him what his son may have cost me when I saw you sitting in your chair shaking your head no. You whispered to me that he was only a boy and that I should let him go. You see, Chakotay even when you are not there you guide me to do the right thing." She was exhausted. She moved her chair a little closer and gently stroked his cheek. "Chakotay, I need you. I need to look over and see you sitting there. We started this journey together and I don't want to go one single step without you. I need the man whose heart and soul were in this thing since it began. Wake up and come back to me. Today you told me that it was time to decide. Well I did. I need you." She softly placed her head down on his chest. She quickly fell asleep never noticing the man who had come to sickbay a few minutes earlier to thank the Commander for saving his life.


	5. When One Door Closes

Day Five: When One Door Closes

His head was aching and his arm was numb. As his mind began to clear he remembered something falling on him on the bridge. As he tried to adjust his eyes to the light, he vaguely wondered if the Doctor had immobilized his arm. It felt like lead. In fact, his body ached all over. With his left hand he wiped his eyes in an attempt to clear his vision. Without thinking he tried to raise his right arm. When he did, he heard a moan. He looked down to find his captain sound asleep on his arm. He gently slid his arm out, leaving her head resting halfway between his chest and his stomach. He stretched his fingers in and out until the tingling stopped. She felt so warm against his bare skin. The urge to touch her was overwhelming. Tentatively he softly stroked her hair. After a few moments she began to stir. Slowly she raised her head and took in her surroundings. Once she realized where she was her eyes darted to his face. He was smiling.

"Hi."

His hand was now on her back. He repeated the rhythmic motions that he had used on her hair a few moments earlier. "Hi, yourself."

Kathryn made no attempt to move. "How are you feeling?" She twisted her neck and shoulders as she spoke to him.

"Probably better than you. Did you sleep like that all night?" Seeing her discomfort he used his one hand to massage the muscles in her neck.

"I guess I did. I didn't intend to. I came to check on you and I must have fallen asleep." A soft sigh escaped her lips. "Oh, that feels good."

He graced her with his dimples. But his smile turned to a tempting grin as he asked, "Do you remember the last time you told me that?"

The memories of New Earth returned instantly. She saw him in his white shirt that was unbutton just enough to distract her. She could feel him reverently moving her hair just before he rubbed her shoulders. She could even hear his words as he told her an ancient legend. A smile of sadness and regret formed on her face. "I do, Chakotay. I do." Enjoying the privacy of sickbay she returned her head to his chest. 

The hand that had been gently kneading her muscles was now making slow circles across her back. They were on dangerous ground and he knew it. If he weren't lying prone on a biobed, he might have tried to press his luck but as circumstances dictated otherwise, he quietly enjoyed the few moments of closeness that she was giving him. He inhaled her smell and closed his eyes in an attempt to freeze the moment. The next thing he remembered was the Doctor standing over him and checking his vital signs. He turned his head from side to side as he eyes surveyed the room. She was gone. 

The Doctor appeared at his side. "You seem to be recovery nicely."

"Can I go back to my quarters?"

"In a few minutes. Right now you have a visitor." The Doctor stepped aside and Chakotay could see Mark standing by the door. "He has been here four times since they brought you here last night. Would you like to speak to him?" With a shake of the head Chakotay agreed.

Mark approached the bed slowly. He stopped a short distance from the bed itself. Close enough to talk but not too close. Mark looked at Chakotay thoughtfully. He was gauging his words. It was difficult to thank a man for saving your life when the day before you wished him dead. "The Doctor tells me that you are doing better."

Chakotay remained mute. He had no intention of helping this man along.

"I just wanted to thank you. You saved my life up there and I wanted to let you know I appreciate it."

Chakotay tilted his head slightly in acknowledgement of Mark's comments.

"I also wanted to apologize for the way I treated you since I came aboard." Mark kept his eyes focused on the floor. This was much more difficult than he thought. "If you want the truth, I was jealous."

Chakotay cocked an eyebrow in surprise.

"Don't look so surprised Commander. She is here with you, while I am on earth, alone. Also, it is obvious that there is something going on between you two."

Chakotay tried to stand up as his anger flared once again. As he did his head exploded in pain and he began to sway. Mark grabbed him and settled him back down on the biobed.

"Don't get upset, Commander. I did not mean to imply anything improper by that statement. It's just that you have something special between you. You yourself told me that you know her better than I do. Well now I have to agree. You have a connection that she and I don't share." Mark paused as a wave of regret swept over him. It was time to let go. "Anyway, as I said, I just wanted to thank you." Mark extended his hand and Chakotay clasped it. The two men shook hands and Mark turned to leave. Before he reached the door he turned to face Chakotay one last time. "A bit of advice Commander. Don't let her spend seventy years alone because of some misguided loyalty to me. In case you haven't noticed she can be pretty stubborn."

The man who just yesterday was Chakotay's greatest enemy departed sickbay with a swish of the door. The Doctor returned to check his head one last time before releasing him. "Interesting fellow. He is not exactly the type I would picture for the Captain but he is interesting none the less."

Chakotay thought for a moment about the things Mark had just said. "Yes, that he is. May I go now?"

"Yes, you may returned to your quarters but you are off duty for 48 hours. Is that clear."

"Yes Doctor, I understand." Chakotay got up slowly and left. He walked cautiously down the corridor until he got to the turbolift. When he entered he called for the bridge.

Not trusting him for one moment, the Doctor called the Captain. "I have just released Commander Chakotay. He is to return to his quarters and rest. He is ordered off duty for 48 hours. I am counting on you to make sure that he follows my orders."

She too knew the Commander. "I understand, Doctor." As she finished the sentence she heard the turbolift approaching. She walked and stood in front on the door. When it opened she glared at the passenger inside. The last thing Tom saw was a look of fear on Chakotay's face as the Captain entered and the doors closed.

They walked arm and arm to his quarters. Kathryn held on as she felt his body sway. They reached his door and went inside. She had not said a single word since she saw him in the turbo lift.

"Go to the bedroom and change," he began to protest before she added, "and that's an order." A few minutes passed and there were no sounds coming from the other room. She tentatively walked toward his bedroom. "Chakotay?"

"I'm here." His voice came out as barely above a whisper.

She paused at the door and looked in to find him sitting on the bed holding his head. Kathryn came in and sat next to him. She put her hand on his back. Tenderly she moved it up and down. If she had taken time to think about the situation she probably would have run. She and Chakotay were sitting on his bed, alone, in his quarters. He was wearing pajama pants and her hand was caressing his naked back. But she did not even notice. Her only thoughts were of concern for her friend.

"I just got a little dizzy. I'm okay now."

Kathryn got up and motioned for him to do the same. She turned down the blankets and he got into bed. She pulled the covers up over him. Her hand lingered on the edge of the blanket lightly touching his skin.

"You know, I could get used to this, waking up to find you sleeping next to me. You tucking me in."

She stood up straight and began to leave. "Don't push your luck, Commander!"

"Kathryn?" When she turned he noticed the twinkle in her eye. His face softened. "Thank you."

She came back to the bed and laid her hand against his cheek. His eyes closed instinctively as the warmth of her touch spread through him. "Rest Chakotay. I'll come back and see you later." She hesitated before she spoke again. She took a few steps away from the bed. "I need to talk to Mark."

"I know." Chakotay desperately wished that he could make this easier for her but he couldn't. "He is a good man, Kathryn."

"I know. That's why this is so hard."

~

She rang the chime and Mark let her in. He was standing at the viewport looking out at the stars. "It is strange to look at stars that you don't recognize. It makes me feel out of place."

"Mark, we need to talk."

"Yes Kath, we do." They both sat down on the couch. Neither one was sure how to begin. Mark spoke up. "Let me start." He reached over and took her hand in his and smiled broadly. "You are amazing, Kath!"

Of all the things she had expected him to say this was not one of them.

"This is going to sound silly. I mean, I always knew you were a Starship Captain but until yesterday I never realized what that meant. In fact in that single moment it dawned on me that there was a part of you that I would never know." He sighed and took a breath. He was repeatedly turning her hand over in his, afraid to hold on yet afraid to let go. "After I was escorted from the bridge…"

She cringed. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to be so rude."

"I was teasing, Kath! Anyway, when I returned to my room I had a lot of time to think. I remembered all those times you came home from a mission and explained what happened. Early on in the relationship you were very animated, explaining everything in great detail. I knew you wanted me to share in the excitement and drama. I also know that I disappointed you when I didn't. I guess that's why you stopped telling me things." He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. "When I saw you yesterday like that, in total command of everything, it all became crystal clear. You were like a different person. It was like all of sudden you were ten feet tall. It's difficult for me to explain, but for me, it was as if I was seeing someone that I never met before."

"Mark, that's who I am."

"I really never understood that before," Mark quietly added, "but he does. Doesn't he?"

"Yes, he does."

A heavy silence hung in the air. She was valiantly trying not to cry.

Mark moved a little closer and lifted her tear stained face up. "Kath, its all right. I know he is important to you."

She used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. "I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing to say. He gives you something I never could, understanding. He helps you command this ship and from what I can see he shares some of the burdens too. I would be very selfish to hold you to our engagement when I know it is not what you want. You know I have always wanted you to be happy. Even way back when I was just that weird kid in the neighborhood." They both laughed as they remembered those days.

"Mark, I need to tell you…"

He smiled sweetly, "Kath, don't…"

"No, let me continue. It's important to me." Mark leaned back and listened. "When we were first stranded here, I felt like dying. I missed you so much. The picture of you and Molly were the screensaver on my terminal. At night when I went to sleep I ached to feel you near me. Every night I wore the peach night gown you gave me. It made me feel a little closer to you."

He closed his eyes and whispered the question he wasn't sure he wanted answered. "When did it change?"

"I don't know." She took a minute to put her thoughts in order. "As you saw on the bridge I am the Captain. I had to be strong. Everyone was hurting and I had to set an example. A few people knew I had a fiancé but I kept up a good front. Even though my heart was breaking, I hid it. As time went on I thought about the pain less and less. The only tough times were at night. After about two years I had to face the fact that you probably thought that I was dead and in all likelihood moved on with your life. So I tried to let go, but I didn't. You were always there in the back of my mind."

"But I was no longer in your heart."

She looked up a little surprised. "No, that's not true. In fact that's why Q brought you here. He knew that I had been lonely for a long time. He wanted to give me a chance to see you, to be loved again."

He reached up and ran his hand down her hair. "It'd not the same though. Is it?"

He pulled back a little so he could see her face. "We spent a lot of years being comfortable. Our relationship was easy, no pressure, no stress. We were old friends who slipped easily into the role of old lovers. But I think now we both know that is not enough. I want someone to look at me the way he looks at you."

"We are just friends, Mark. It has never been more than that. I have never been unfaithful to you!" 

His face broke out into a broad smile. "I know that, Kath. That is not your style." They were both quiet for awhile, then Mark began to laugh.

"What?"

"I was just picturing him in your kitchen surrounded by your mother and Phoebe. He's not exactly the type of man they are used to you bringing home. Phoebe will have a field day."

Kathryn smiled nostalgically as thoughts of her mother and sister filled her head. "That could be interesting.

"Don't worry Gretchen will love him."

"I'm not ready for that yet, Mark."

"I know but you will be some day. It's a long ride home." He leaned over and hugged her close. "It's time to say good-bye."

She held on tightly. "But you won't even remember."

He held her for one more second. "I may not remember in my head but my heart will somehow know that is time to let go." 

A light flashed and Q appeared. "It's time, Kathy."

They both stood up and hugged each other fiercely.

"I will never forget you, Mark. You helped me survive one of the worst experiences of my life."

"And you were one of the best things to happen to mine."

Mark pulled away and stood by Q. Just before Q snapped his fingers Mark called her name. "It's time to throw out the peach. Maybe something new in blue to match your eyes. Better yet let him pick it out." Then he was gone.

"Well that was an interesting five days. Wouldn't you agree, Kathy?"

"Leave me alone Q. I am going to the bridge."

"You are a hard woman to please!"

After she spent a few hours on the bridge, and thanked Tuvok for covering for her for the past few days, she decided that she needed a long hot shower. She stood under the steaming water and let it beat down on her aching shoulders, the shoulders that seemed to carry the weight of the world. As the tension slowly began to subside, her walls began to crumble and her emotions poured out. Very quickly the tears turned into sobs. She cried for the hurt and frustration of the last few days. She cried for the guilt and confusion she still felt. She cried for the love she lost. Then she sank down on her knees, as the pain wracked her body, and she cried for the love that regulations would not let her have. By the time the tears subsided, the water had turned cold and she was shivering. She wrapped herself in her robe and went into the other room and replicated a cup of hot coffee. She sat on the couch and tried to collect herself. Before she went to see Chakotay she needed a firm reign on her emotions. About an hour later she asked the computer to locate Commander Chakotay.

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

She got up and went to her bedroom to get dressed. "Computer can you locate him in his quarters?"

"He is five meters from the door."

That meant he was probably sitting on the couch. She reached for her uniform out of instinct. When she saw it in her hand she stopped. Although it would most likely be safer to wear her uniform she didn't want to. Tonight she wanted to be just Kathryn. A few minutes later she arrived at his door in black pants and a light blue sweater. He called her in and as she suspected he was sitting on the couch. She immediately went to join him. "How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good for an old man." She couldn't help but smile as he used Tom's favorite nickname for himself. "Then again I should be feeling good, I just got up! I slept since you left me this morning."

"That's good. Your body needed it. So you didn't have dinner yet."

"No, how about you?"

"Me neither. Are you up to going to see what Neelix is serving or do you want me to make something?"

"Make something?"

She playfully smacked his arm. "All right **replicate** something. That is if you trust me with your replicator."

"I'm not sure that you've given me much of a choice, Neelix's cooking or your replicating." They were both enjoying their easy camaraderie. Kathryn got up and got them a simple meal for dinner. They ate quietly for awhile before Chakotay spoke.

"How did things go with Mark?"

She had eaten a little but it was enough. She settled back to the side of the couch, resting her back on the arm rest. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs up under her. It was the position that she found most comforting when she couldn't pace. "Things went well. Actually, he kind of broke up with me."

Chakotay raised his eyebrows in surprise. "What happened?"

"He told me that when he saw me on the bridge during the attack he finally understood what it meant for me to be the Captain. He also knew that that was a part of my life that he could never share. Then he pointed out that you and I obviously share that connection." She hung her head a little. She was tired and emotional spent. Chakotay reached over and held her hand. "He then went on to tell me that he would be selfish to hold me to our engagement when it would not make me happy. He was very noble and that made things even worse."

"Why? Did you want him to be angry?"

"That would have been better." She couldn't believe that she was crying again. She had not cried in front of anyone for years and now it seemed that she could not stop.

Chakotay moved to her side of the couch. He lifted her legs from under her and laid them across his lap. His left arm stretched across the back of the couch so his hand could be on her shoulder. He cautiously put his right hand just above her knee. "Why would it have been better if he was angry?"

"Because it was justified."

"I don't understand, Kathryn."

She needed to tell him the things she had held back from Mark. Maybe then she could put it behind her. "Since the time when the Bothan invaded our minds I have been struggling with a lot of guilt. The night we all fell victim to his powers I was in quarters when I heard Mark calling me. He kept saying that I was thinking about someone else and not him. He accused me of being unfaithful. In my waking dream I kept saying that I was not and that I loved only him. I lost my conscience mind when I was on the turbolift with him and I kissed him to prove that I was sincere."

"Why would you feel guilty for that?"

"Because I **had been** letting go. It was not a monumental decision but a very slow paced change of my feelings. I did not miss him like I used you. I enjoyed your company too much to think of him. My feelings for him were lessening while my feelings for you were growing. My waking dream just brought that realization to the forefront and that left me a lot of guilt. I felt guilty for not being truer to Mark and I also felt guilty because I thought that I was leading you on."

"Leading me on? Don't feel guilty on my account. I enjoy being with you and I never expect you to give me more than you are ready to give. I love having dinner with you, or going to the holodeck or even just spending the evening working. That's not leading me on, that's being a friend."

Kathryn closed her eyes and wondered how far she should pursue this. "Can you tell me that you don't wish things were different between us?"

"No, I can't, because I do, but that doesn't mean you should feel guilty. I enjoy being with you, and yes, I find you extremely desirable but that doesn't mean my sexual desire overrides my good sense. Kathryn, I'm not young anymore. I'm a grown man. I am perfectly capable of controlling myself and I will until you say otherwise." He lifted her chin up and smiled at her. "As a matter of fact, you shouldn't feel guilty, I think you should take it as a compliment." 

She couldn't help but smile. This man was unbelievable. What she ever did to deserve him she would never know. "Where does that leave us?" She asked him.

"Right where we have always been, you in command and me right by your side."

She turned herself around and rested her head on his shoulder. Before long her body relaxed and she dosed off. Chakotay allowed himself fifteen minutes before he gently shook her. "Hey, your going to wake up with another backache if you sleep here."

She rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry. It has been a very tiring day."

"Don't apologize. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than sit here and hold you but I think you need to get some sleep."

Kathryn stood up and stretched and walked toward the door. He was standing in the middle of the room when she turned to look at him one last time before she left. He looked at her and slowly held out his arms. She hesitated a second before she walked into his embrace. They both stood still holding each other close. Kathryn's head was buried in his chest, while Chakotay's chin rested on her hair.

He heard her begin to speak so he lowered his head to hear her. "I'm just not ready yet."

He turned and gently kissed her head. "I know. It's enough to know that one day you will be."

(Epilogue to follow)


	6. Epilogue:Dream A Little Dream of Me

Epilogue: Dream A Little Dream of Me

(Some of this is actual dialogue from the show but new lines and bits and pieces have been added.)

(One Year Later)

"Look what you've been through in the last few days it's no wonder your upset.. We finally make a connection with home and it's ripped away from us." Chakotay pauses and takes a drink of his coffee. 

Kathryn props her feet up on the table and lays her head on the back of the couch. "We manage to make another enemy who's going to try and hunt us down and destroy us. It seems like that is all we ever do around here, make enemies." She pinched the bridge of her nose hoping to ward off her oncoming headache.

"And on top of that--"

"It's all right. You can say it. On top of all that, I got a "Dear John" letter." 

Janeway sighs. "Considering what happened last year, it wasn't really a surprise. I knew that he would move on. I just never expected to hear about it until we got home. To be honest even though I know it is what I want it still hurts." He reached over and squeezed her arm. "There is one thing it did though. It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net. You know-- as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else."

"You don't have that safety net anymore," Chakotay says, with hope in his eyes. 

"That's right," Janeway agrees. 

There conversation is interrupted by a beep. "Neelix to the ready room. The party's about to begin and there are only two people missing." 

"We're on our way." Kathryn looks at him like she is ready to say something but then gets up and walks across her ready room.. He follows close behind. Before she reaches the door she stops abruptly and turns. She finds herself face to face with him. "What will it be Chakotay, indulge my feelings or hold fast to protocol ?"

That was all the encouragement he needed. He captured her in his arms and whispered one final thought before his lips found her. "Indulge away."

The End


End file.
